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Musings

No need to sparkle.

Megan Harrod

This morning I woke up and didn't want to get out of bed. Some days I feel like that. I'm learning, slowly, to be okay with it and lean into days like this. I have "move slowly" tattooed on my wrist, but I never really get to move slowly. So today, I am. And when I made that decision as I was making coffee, I came across this Virginia Woolf quote that spoke so clearly to me,

No need to hurry. No need to sparkle. No need to be anybody but oneself.
— Virginia Woolf, A Room of One's Own

I put so much pressure on myself to be sparkly all the time. Always on. Always smiling. But that's not sustainable, and I'm exhausted. I'm an over-tapped source of energy for others and haven't been able to find a renewal source for myself. Of course, the only place that can come from is within. I'll get there.

Almost a week into my journey to the island, and I haven't answered any questions I was looking to answer. I know I need to make positive changes in my life path, but I am working hard to discern between positive change and running away. I've experienced both many times, and the latter is not something I'm interested in at this point in my life. I don't want to run.

Life ebbs and flows, and that's the beauty of it. The challenge is to flow with it, rather than fight it. When I started my job two years ago I was in such a place of transition in my life, and it was scary and exciting at the same time. But the thing about it is that it was EVERYTHING all at once. And I dove right in without hesitation. That's the way I do things. But, in that world, it's easy to lose yourself, and it's really easy to hide. I don't want to hide.

Being away from the chaos of my workplace is so good for the soul, and though it's a challenge for me I'm working to find comfort in the stillness. It's easier than I thought it would be to disconnect and ignore the noise. When you really know your value and understand where you fit into a bigger picture without fear of the outcome, anything is possible. That's how I feel right now. Unafraid. Not overconfident at all, just more at ease than I've ever been...because if there's one important lesson I've learned through the years, it's that things always work out.

Maybe the universe will deliver answers to me in the sound of the wind blowing through the palm, the shape of the clouds floating above, the feeling of the sand between my toes, a conversation with a stranger at the coffee shop, a song playing on the radio as I drive through the Hawaiian countryside. Or maybe it won't. Either way, I'll be ok.

You shine brightly enough...today, there's no need to sparkle. There's more than enough sparkle surrounding you at this very moment. The sunshine. The ocean. The island spirit. Soak it all in.

Mahalo, 

Megan

 

Sometimes you just need a little break.

Megan Harrod

That's what my out of office message says right now. It's true. I'm tired. It's crazy how much perspective space can gift you. I've realized that I love my job, but I love it and the people around me with all of my heart...which doesn't save much love for me at the end of the day. Back in November I had an inkling that I'd be in this place mentally right now, and I booked myself a ticket to the island. I had an intention. And I made that thought a reality. I have a knack for that sort of thing - you know, moving through life intentionally. Thank God, because I almost forgot how to breathe.

One year ago when I started this blog I shared some of the lessons I had learned in 32 years of life. I spoke of finally writing my book. Another intention. This intention, though, I haven't yet made a reality. Why? I lack motivation. I lack a muse. I lack energy. Towards the end of winter I wasn't myself. Uncertain. Negative. Confused. Frustrated. That's not me. I lost myself, and that's my fault and my fault only. Because I let it happen. ENTER...

*LIFE PAUSE.*

Free of fretting about what's next. Free of worry. Free of thinking about others' and their feelings. For someone who is so loving and so open, this is challenging. But I've learned the importance of protecting myself and my energy, and being gentle with myself. Only when I am fully restored can I do justice in giving to others. So, I'm over here in Maui - hiking, floating in the ocean and staring up at the sky, praying, crying, smiling, laughing...I'm even running. It's day three and I already feel more relaxed.

I have a set of goddess cards from my great friend Katya I carry with me while I travel, along with a travel set of healing crystals. Stop laughing. Okay, you can laugh a little bit. It's weird, I know. But every so often, I like to put a question out into the Universe and see what the Universe has to say. Today it was telling. Telling of a space that my heart and mind are in. This is what they said:

Past: Maeve (Cycles and Rhythms) - Honor the cycles of your body, energy levels and emotions. Make time to rest and take care of yourself and seek support emotionally. Celebrate your femininity. Maeve is a very sexual goddess and favors Kings as lovers.

Present: Lakshmi (Bright Future) - Stop worrying...everything is going to be fine. There are no tests, blocks or obstacles unless you create them. Hush your mind and direct it towards a new energy of faith, hope and optimism. SHINE like everything around you. Think bright and it shall be bright. Visualize abundance. Create positive intentions. Lakshmi is a Hindu goddess who works with Ganesh (overcomer of obstacles).

Future: Freyja (Bold) - This is, by far, my favorite - and most often pulled - card. In fact, there are two of them in my deck. Unleash your adventurous side. Take risks and be daring. Don't play it safe now. Take bold action in the direction of your heart's desire. Make success your intention and it will come your way. Make a bold life change. Appreciate your body. Flirt. Have fun. She's a Nordic goddess of fertility, celebration and passion and she's unafraid of her sexual powers. She's fierce.

Yesterday as I was talking to a good friend, he reminded me that right now is a divine time for me. This break is well-placed in my life. He said to really consider what my heart's desire is. So I've been doing that. A lot. What do I want to do for my life's work? What do I want in a relationship? Do I want a family? Where do I find joy? Things like that. It's a journey. And you know what the definition of a "journey" is (I saw this on a greeting card in Mana Foods tonight)?

Journey: (n) travel to a distant or hard to reach destination.

It doesn't say "easy to reach" does it? But nevertheless, I am on that seemingly never-ending journey which continues on here under the Maui sun and in her healing waters. But, for now, no social media. No work. Limited interaction with noise from the outside. Except for with the lizards and cane spiders. Focus inward and upward. Focus on healing. And I'm already feeling my spirits lift. Amazing how life works, isn't it?!

In closing, I feel compelled to share the words of a great friend, who lives her life loving deeply and knows the pain of loss and whom I deeply admire, of mine from our conversation earlier tonight. "Swim in the ocean for me...its my favorite thing in the world, I'm crying thinking about it...feel the first rush of water on your toes for me and the dive right in and stay submerged. Tumble in the rush for a bit. And then float on your back with the sun in your face, squinting. My mom and I always used to do that. Float for long chunks of minutes at a time." For you, dear Lauren, the world. And to the moon and back.

Don't worry...I'll write that book someday.

Aloha and Mahalo.

Moondust

Last night I had a 1 night stand with a man named Pete.

Megan Harrod

Wow, I snagged your attention with that one, didn't I?! Before I begin, I'm going to just throw this out there...I'm going to take a stab at the whole writing thing, once per day. I have the time, after all. This is the first time in my life where I've left work and totally unplugged. Well, at least now that I've written my 2015-16 season sparkly, shiny moments recap, anyway. Ahhhh... now I can breathe.

I arrived to Maui two nights ago, greeted by rain. It was pouring. It was funny, I woke up yesterday with a spirit to match the weather. It felt like one of the longest days of my life...not in a bad way, though. It was just full and in typical Megan fashion, I tried to be productive and check things off of my list. I always adapt to the environment I'm in...it's just that sometimes it takes me a little time. That's normal, right?! I came back to my place yesterday afternoon to rest and just let the tears pour out of me. It was pretty ridiculous, actually, but I felt a lot lighter after that. I struggle with not being busy. So I just wanted to let myself settle into that space of emptiness. It's a good-bad thing. Don't worry.

I took a half-assed nap and then dragged my lazy ass out of bed at around 7pm. I found a local's dive bar near my place in Makawao, Maui, which is located in upcountry and is an eclectic little village where new meets old. I walked in and found myself a spot at the bar in between a bickering couple (she was wasted and yelling at him) and an old man. Enter Peter, the man I met last night. 

Don't think too fast...it took me a bit, one spicy bloody mary to be exact, before we spoke. The bartender whose name I can't remember (Scott, maybe?) was kind, and called me "honey." Across the bar, two young-ish men - one with red hair in a man bun and a beard, and the other with long blonde hair and a sloppy ponytail - drank beers and snacked on peanuts. The blonde-haired one in the baby blue surf tee was nearly falling over, but still trying to hold conversation with the ginger. Peering at them over the rim of my bloody mary glass, I was both embarrassed and enthralled at the same time. Basketball was on TV. Steve Kerr was talking to the camera. He looks kind of old. God, that must mean I'm getting old, right?! I digress...as you can see, I like to notice things.

To my right sat an old man in a beanie and his less old friend. Obviously local. Both had white hair and mustaches. Less old man commented on the busy-ness of the bar and questioned if that was normal for a Thursday night. Older man with beanie and a British accent commented that it had been pretty busy lately. Less old man directs words toward me, "Do you think it's busier than normal here?" I laughed. "I don't live here," I said. He laughed "Well then why on earth are you at this place?" Older man asked me where I was from and I told him that was difficult to answer, but before I could get that all out he guessed, "Estonia?!" That's funny. "No, not Estonia." I told him. "It's hard to explain." I guess that caught his attention, because at that point we started a conversation that I never expected.

Pete is originally from the London area, but he's been here for a long time. I asked him when he moved here and he told me he's been here for over 30 years, but before that he traveled for years as well. When I asked him if he was willing to tell me where he had traveled, he threw up his hands and said, "It's really about where I haven't traveled, isn't it?!" Kindred spirit. I liked him already. He fascinated me with each story he told. Vivid accounts of beautiful life experiences around the world. He built his own boat - which took him over ten years and $100k back in the early 80s. He told his friends and family well in advance so they'd hold him accountable. He told me that was because he didn't have the courage. I thought he was crazy for making that statement.

In under 45 minutes - or one bloody mary and a beer - I learned the reason why Pete built his own boat with his own hands (so he could be completely accountable if something went wrong out at sea), how he had been married twice - once at just 20 years old for his pregnant girlfriend who ended up miscarrying six months later, and once for a green card. I learned about his favorite destination - an island in the middle of nowhere, where he experienced thousands of dolphins coming toward his boat and parting around it. He told me when he looked up into the sky from the masthead on his sailboat he realized that no one else - not the richest men in the world - you know, Bill Gates, Steve Jobs and the like, would have that experience. He knew he was rich in his own way. At that moment he said the number one lesson he learned was to "remember what you have."

Pete told me tales of Tazmania and Iceland - "even the women at the rental car company were blonde-haired, blue-eyed and beautiful" - and why they're such special places. His eyes have seen sights most have not. He's weathered the storms - both literally and figuratively. I'm serious. Living a life out at sea thousands of miles from civilization, he's been disconnected and solo. But in all honesty...he's escaped numerous hurricanes by intuitively learning the flow of the ocean and how to move with that flow. At this point of night, I started to realize he reminds me of a close friend of mine. He's alone. Hasn't had a partner for a long time. But he's okay with that. He told me that what is even more scary than a storm is the stillness of the water...because he never knew if he'd move. Alone, out at sea in silence. One could go mad like that. Or insanely happy.

I know you're probably wondering if he still has his boat from '80. I was wondering too. Thought that would be a romantic twist to the story. But, nope. He's moved on. (I only wish I would have asked what his boat's name was.) Fascinating, right?! Mostly, I listened. It was nice. We ended our conversation with me telling him a little bit about my story. He asked me if I was courageous or if I went about my life leap in the way he did, with caution. I told him I didn't think of it as courage at the time, I just trusted myself and knew my heart knew that it was ready to leap. Somewhere around that time younger old man joked about how we should get a room (I later found out from Peter that younger old man owns one of the largest tour operators on this island).

Peter asked me if I'd be back and thanked me for the conversation. He told me he doesn't often get to talk about stuff like that. That his friends don't "get it." I told him he should write a book. He said he has too many stories to write in one book. I believe that. I told him he should get someone to write it for him. He told me he's too much of a perfectionist. Well, Peter...I'm sure I didn't do you justice, but you were fascinating to me too. And thank you for the conversation. Maybe I'll see you at the bar behind a bloody mary with karaoke in the background and basketball on TV. Until then, mahalo.

I get why artists torture themselves mentally...through pain they're able to find creativity. I feel one ounce of that at this moment and it feels good. And yes, I know this picture has nothing to do with the story...but the sun came out today and I went to the beach. And it's one of the only pictures I've taken.

Remember what you have,

Megan

 

What brings you joy?

Megan Harrod

Last fall before the ski season started, I spent some much-needed time with my chick tribe in Jackson, which includes some of my very best friends in the Universe - Lindsay and Keely. While we were lounging up in Lindsay's cozy little mountain cabin, we explored the question "What brings you joy?" and the topics of finding and sustaining happiness. It was an enlightening conversation, and I learned a lot. One of the key takeaways I had was a simple exercise Lindsay had recommended, which helps her to stay true to herself and acts as a solid reminder of all the good things in life. It's super-simple. On the inside page of her journal, she has a page that features all of the things that bring her joy. When she's sad or frustrated, she refers to this page as a reminder. She inspired me to do the same. Here's mine:

  • Fresh winter air and sunshine on my face
  • Corduroy
  • Alpenglow
  • Bubble baths
  • Hot springs
  • A giggling baby
  • The smell of eucalyptus
  • A powder day
  • Writing
  • Thai food
  • Patterned leggings
  • Laughter with friends
  • Products with a story
  • Sharing my story and inviting others to share theirs
  • Unicorns and magic
  • My father's laugh
  • Making someone smile
  • Cultural epiphanies
  • The warmth of the ocean in Maui
  • Changing perceptions - my own and others
  • Bohemian style and gypsy jewelry
  • Naps. Lots of naps.
  • That giddy feeling when climbing into a sleeping bag for the first time while camping that makes you want to squeal like a guinea pig and smile with glee
  • Soft kisses on my forehead and the nape of my neck
  • Laughing at myself
  • Good espresso
  • A rare+ filet mignon
  • Bike rides
  • Art - visual, music, conversation, cooking...whatever
  • Hikes
  • My baby blanket (thanks, grandma!)
  • A nice glass of red wine
  • Dynamic movement
  • Savasana
  • A well-designed backpack
  • Family time, especially at Christmas
  • Change, and the process that you go through while in transition ("Zmena")
  • Getting my nails done
  • The smell of cookies baking
  • Making connections
  • Exploring new destinations
  • Encouraging others to be their best self
  • Feeling small in nature
  • Surrounding myself with positive vibes and shedding the toxic stuff - "good vibes only"
  • Burning incense
  • Hookah bars and mint tea
  • Pine tree-smelling candles
  • Campfires
  • Train travel
  • Creating something from nothing
  • Thoughtful design
  • Holding hands "like lovers"...with your lover
  • Creativity
  • Finding beauty in unexpected situations

Every time I struggle, I try to go back to this list and am always pleasantly surprised by the memories that float through my mind when I review this list. The baby sitting on the flight next to me that was giggling contagiously when her mom was making animal noises at her. That time I danced with locals led by a 70-year-old named "Blue" on the Aran Islands in Ireland. The smell and warmth of the campfire under the blood moon while camping in Indian Creek with mom and friends. Surfing in Maui with my sister and friend Kara. Stuff like that. And I always smile. See? Simple. Try it.

With love,

Megan