Steamy Nights in the Bed of Wayne

Last week I skipped out of Park City for a couple of days to travel to the middle of Utah for a little solitude. My destination was an unlikely one for the time of year: Mystic Hot Springs in Monroe Utah. It was 100 degrees. Hot springs with no cold plunge. I called a converted school bus named the "Ripple Bus" my home for two days. It had no fan. Sweat it out. Detox. All of that good stuff. Mostly, I was looking to spend time with myself. There is a difference between being lonely and being alone. I chose to be alone. Not always an easy choice for an extrovert, but I've learned to appreciate time solo.

The purpose of my journey was to write. I had a goal of writing the prologue and first chapter of my memoir. After all, the topic of solitude is as good of a place as any to begin, right? Clean slate, fresh start.

Two years ago, almost to the day, I moved to Utah. Last year, almost to the day, I returned from a solo journey to India and moved to Park City. As the memories swirl through my mind, I realize that I've experienced a lot. The memories remind me of where I've been and how far I've come, and all that I needed to experience in order to get here where I am today. To feel this. To have achieved what I've achieved. It all seems like worlds away, but it's all been meaningful and purposeful. And, it's been an oddly fascinating journey. I've been the happiest I've ever been, and the saddest I've ever been. I've felt it all. Sometimes, I wish I didn't do that. Sometimes, I wish my mind was more simple. Life would be easier.

It turns out, the 107 degree heat in the Ripple Bus was too hot for both me and my computer - we both overheated. Even so, I was able to assemble some thoughts that could be woven into the start of something. I'd love to share them with you, but I'm going to hold on that for now, until it's more solid. I will share some thoughts from the middle of Utah in a Ripple Bus...

I had drifted off to sleep in the bed of "Wayne" and awoke in a pool of sweat, half-naked in 107 degree temps. FUCK. Unfortunately, it's not as exciting as it may sound. I'm alone, in the back of a decrepit school bus called the "Ripple Bus" - but whose name is really "Wayne" - in a hippie hot springs village in the middle of Utah. I traveled here alone. I had to get away and find solitude in order to focus my thoughts and channel my creativity. "No drugs. No alcohol." the sign leading up to the two pools and seven tubs read. That didn't make sense to me. I was surrounded by absurdities and I loved it. A slew of worn-down pioneer cabins in a field to my right. To my left, a line of school buses - some converted into lodging, some playing home to heaping piles of junk. Up by the main office, an old pink school bus with the words "Le Boustique" in swoopy cursive letters on the top, and an empty pool with a slide and what looked like a sheep-herding wagon fixed to my left...it was all perplexing. On the way to the office, a crystal wand with feathers, a sloth and a monkey adorned the tree next to a bus that said, "I have a dream!" written in white paint on the windows. I wasn't in Park City anymore. Thank God. I had to escape. Park City is the place I squat in the summers, in between travels. It offers up the most superb views, but like a postcard - it can be pretty one-dimensional at times. If you want change, make change. So here I am...to start something I've only dreamed of, conceived of, whatever. Pen on paper, here we go. My story is a story of love, magic, heartbreak, bliss, exploration, new beginnings, misadventures, lessons learned, possibility, frustration, hope, authenticity, poopy pants and beyond. Today I'm 33 - the age of Jesus - and for the first time I feel my age. Maybe that's why I've finally sat down to write and share my story. Or maybe that was the CO gummy worm. Or delirium due to extreme heat. Either way, here I am Let's do this.

And so the journey begins...

Your Three Truths

Most days when I landscape, I listen to podcasts. These moments are some of the best moments for me, where I can shut off my brain from the day to day craziness and focus in on learning something new, completely outside of myself. One of podcasts is called The School of Greatness with Lewis Howes. At the end of each podcast, he asks every guest a few questions. Things like, "What are you most grateful for in your life recently?" and "What are your three truths?" This part of the podcast is fascinating to me. I am so intrigued by how different guests answer it. Intrigued by how different we are as humans, yet how eerily connected we are as well. So this morning, I thought I'd take some time to share my answers with you, and give you the opportunity to share your answers, or at least think about what they might be.

What are you most grateful for in your life recently?
The opportunity to find time for myself and turn my focus inward. To move my body, soak in the sunshine, write, play, laugh, travel...and sleep - definitely thankful for sleep.

It's many years from now, and everything you've ever created has been erased from time - all of the books you've written, relationships you've made, businesses you've started. It's your last day. Many, many years from now. And your great granddaughter gives you a piece of paper and a pen and says, 'Can you write down your three truths? The three things that you know to be true from everything you've learned from your life that you want the rest of us to know...what would those be?'

1) People are inherently good.
2) A simple smile and moment of connection can make a big difference in someone's life. Be authentic and share that with others.
3) Truth starts within you. You can not be true with others if you're not true with yourself.

It's kind of simple. But isn't that the way it ought to be? I've said it before, but now I'm actually making it happen...starting to write a chapter for the book and planning to send it off to a prospective publisher.

But for now...time to go outside.

Happy weekend!

Morning Reflections: Warrior of the Light

This is a short one today, but I wanted to share a bit about the morning routine I've adopted over the last couple of months. These rituals have become an important part of finding balance and starting the day off with positivity and purpose. My relationship with routine is an odd and surprising one...a few years ago I would have cringed at the thought. Now, with the chaos and constant movement, I appreciate it. These practices are simple, but I've found if I spend 30 minutes each day, there's a profound difference in the way my day unfolds. Here goes...

1) Wake up, stretch with arms up in the air and a smile on my face (this might be one of the favorite parts of my day, especially on a day that I'm really sore from a workout)

2) Take my vitamins with a glass of water...Magnesium and Vitamin B.

3) My writing exercise. From Tim Ferriss, I learned a writing exercise called "The 5-Minute Journal". It's simple and it's effective in calming my mind and finding my focus for the day. Every morning and every night, I allow myself some time for dreaming and reflection. It plays out like this...in the AM: 3 things I'm grateful for, 3 things that would make today amazing, 1 daily affirmation / in the PM: 3 things that made today amazing, 1 thing that would have made today better. Through the practice, I've learned to be grateful for the small things, set my simple intentions, and focus on what matters. Also, I've decided to scrap the part about 1 thing that would have made today better part, as part of an effort to be gentle with myself and focus on the things I can control. This exercise has ultimately helped me to quiet the voices in my head. 

4) Either some music accompanied by kitchen dancing in my PJs or a focused podcast. Today it was Lewis Howes' The School of Greatness with Elizabeth Gilbert. Another favorite is the Tim Ferriss Show. It's great. I've learned something new from people I admire. Today, specifically, I learned from Elizabeth Gilbert that the most gracious gift you can give someone is to let them see your vulnerability.

5) Espresso. Just a double shot in the morning. I've scrapped the afternoon espresso. As a result, I'm sleeping better.

6) Sometimes, I read a couple of pages of a book as well. Today, it's from the Warrior of the Light, by Paulo Coelho. It's been harder for me to get into it than The Alchemist, but it has provided me with some solid foundational principles that have grounded me. Today, I gift you one of these principles, on the topic of love and relationship.

“A Warrior of the Light needs love.
Love and affection are as much a part of his nature as eating, drinking, and a taste for a Good Fight. When the Warrior watches a sunset and feels no joy, then something is wrong.
At this point, he stops fighting and goes in search of company, so that they can watch the sunset together.
If he has difficulty in finding company, he asks himself: ‘Was I too afraid to approach someone? Did I receive affection and not even notice?’
A Warrior of the Light makes use of solitude, but is not used by it.”

— Paulo Coelho, Warrior of the Light

Lots of good stuff has come as a result of this morning, and evening, routine. Shout if you have questions about specific reads or podcasts that have had an impact on me, and please share yours here as well.

Much love.

If you died today, would you die happy?

The other night as I was lying in bed I had this moment of complete clarity where I thought, "If I died today, I'd be okay with it." No, I wasn't high. Or drunk. It was just completely clear to me at that moment. I've loved and I've lived. I'm happy.

I have an incredibly supportive, loving family. The Universe has presented me with challenging, fulfilling and meaningful professional opportunities and has connected me with souls that have taught me invaluable life lessons from an early age. Most importantly, I was open to receiving those lessons and open to doing the work to get where I am now. When I've needed change, I've taken intentional steps towards achieving that change in order to find peace. I have traveled the world both alone and with others, and have seen things many eyes have not had the opportunity to see. I have become a student of life...I love learning new skills.

In the process, I've learned a ton about myself. I'm so imperfect it's unreal. But I'm okay with that. I've learned that, though I love learning new skills, I'm frustrated when I'm not good at them. I've learned that I often feel like if I'm not burning the candle at both ends, then I'm not productive. I've learned that I'm incredibly sensitive, even though most people think I'm over-confident. I've learned that I'm harder on myself than anyone else. I've learned above all else, that it's important to be true to yourself...because only when you're honest with yourself can you be honest with others. I've learned that two halves don't make a whole. Only when you're whole can your soul unite with another soul (which needs to be, of course, whole). I've learned the importance of sitting with myself and getting to know who I am, apart from anyone else. I've learned to be gentle with myself and realistic with my expectations of myself.

This summer I've drastically changed my schedule to suit me and find balance. I spend half of my time outside landscape gardening with a beautiful soul (my dear friend Ana) I met four years ago at Alta on closing day at a parking lot dance party and I spend half of my time working for the U.S. Ski Team, but I'm not fixed to an office chair and confined to a cubicle. For me, this change was vital to my happiness. The other day as I was tampering rock in the back of one of our landscaping clients' homes, I was listening to Lewis Howes' School of Greatness podcast entitled "Love Louder and Deepen Relationships" with Preston Smiles. In the middle of tampering, the tears started flowing out of my eyes. I let it happen. In that moment, I invited myself to feel that.

In the podcast, Preston talks about gender differences in relationships, and how - as little girls - we're taught to experience our experience, share, touch, be in touch with our emotions while dudes are just taught to fight each other, tackle each other...and they're very simple. It's so true. I've thought a lot about expectations in relationships of late, and how the expectations we create lead us down a path of frustration and hurt. The thing is, the best things in life—across all realms of life—shouldn't really feel hard and forced. Oftentimes, we tell ourselves stories and listen to the voices in our heads that lead us to believe that things are harder than they need to be. It feels constraining. We create excuses that enable us to give up and walk away easily, not allowing ourselves to really feel or experience or fall into life. We feel like we're losing our freedom and our control. We are afraid to show vulnerability. We are afraid to be real and authentic. It's just easier to live on the surface...so the surface is where most of the world resides. When you chose to step into your calling, it will make room for you.

In a very real way, I've experienced this in the last few months. Broken and exhausted at season's end, I had no room to think about anything and move forward. As I started focusing on myself and sitting in that space of just being and relinquishing control, the Universe began to open itself up to me. I had conversations with advocates and friends that encouraged and empowered me. Gradually, like the layers of an onion, the overwhelming and daunting components started to peel away and reveal the core of me...and as I reconnected with that, I had room for everything else to fall into place. And, it has. But, it took work to get here.

Here's the thing...I can group humans of this world into three categories: there are people in this world that are completely unaware, there are people in this world who are aware and unwilling to do the hard work because they're afraid of where it will take them, and then there are people who are enlightened: they are aware and they do the work. I'd like to think I fall into the last category. And, I'd like to surround myself with people in that last category. The enlightened. Though, just like I need to be gentle with myself, I have to remind myself to be gentle with others and my expectations of others. I've never been drawn to people purely for personal gain. I'm not drawn to humans for what they do and how they can benefit my life. Rather, I'm drawn to them because of who they are at the core. There's a big difference. But, not everyone is that way. And that's ok. It's not for me, but if that's the way they choose to live their life, it's their choice to make. And again, that's ok.

Lastly, I encourage all of you to read The Alchemist if you have not already (there's a beautiful 25th Anniversary edition on Amazon that I suggest you make yours). I am not sure why this book hadn't landed in my hands before, but I know that it was presented to me at the right moment, because I dove in, got lost in it, and didn't want it to end. Someday soon I'll write an entire post on what I learned from that book.  The biggest lesson, of course, is to appreciate the present moment for what it is—not to live in the past or the future—but to really sit in this moment right now and appreciate it as a gift that's been given to you. As we each attempt to find our Personal Legend, the Universe will present us with lessons along the way that we are meant to explore on our path to understanding.

“He sat looking at the sky for a long time. Then he took from his knapsack a bottle of wine, and drank some. He remembered the night in the desert when he had sat with the alchemist, as they looked at the stars and drank wine together. He thought of the many roads he had traveled, and of the strange way God had chosen to show him his treasure. If he hadn’t believed in the significance of his recurrent dreams, he would not have met the Gypsy woman, the king, the thief, or...’Well, it’s a long list. But the path was written in the omens, and there was no way I could go wrong,’ he said to himself. ”

— Paulo Coelho, The Alchemist

The goal is to be open and listen to the Universe...to be aware and to trust that everything is being presented to you in accordance to a plan. As Coelho writes, “And, when you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it"—but the trick is to explore with intention void of expectation. I gained some wisdom from an unlikely source the other day in the film, "How to be Single" with Fat Amy that got me thinking, too. It's a comedy, but the words at the end made me consider the gift of singledom further...

“The thing about being single is you should cherish it because in a week or a lifetime of being alone you may only get one moment, one moment you’re not tied up with a relationship with anyone a parent, a pet, a sibling a friend. One moment when you stand on your own, really truly single and then…it’s gone.”

— Amy, How to be Single

Seriously. "Cherish" it. That word is powerful. A reminder to chill the fuck out, because when you're seeking something with expectation you'll rarely find what you're looking for. Being single is awesome. I can go anywhere I want, whenever I want. Someday, I'd love to travel and explore with a partner...when the time is right. But for now, I travel this road alone, and while I travel this road alone I learn important lessons about myself and what I'm looking for in a relationship in the future. I am independent and need the freedom to be myself in a relationship. After all, in relationship, two halves don't make a whole.

Thanks for bearing with me...I've rambled a lot today. At the heart of this piece, though, the message is that I'm not afraid of death because I've lived my life fully without regret. I'm not afraid to explore the depths of my heart and explore life with a curious spirit that others are often afraid or unwilling to explore. To live enlightened. Sure, I don't want to die today. There are still souls that I'd like to meet, dreams that I'd like to dream, goals that I want to achieve, and lands that I want to explore. But if I did, I'd die happy.

What about you?